i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
