I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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