Plan B is the new Plan A
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
