Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
