i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
