I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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