I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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