you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Two words: blizzard sex
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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