Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
