9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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