Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize