I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
