Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Randomize
