U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
