i think my tv is drunk
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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