if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
