So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
