I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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