That's when you crack a 10am beer
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
