how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
