I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
