you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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