Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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