i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
