I must be too annoying 4 u.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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