I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
