Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
