could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize