i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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