I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
