Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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