For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
