She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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