Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
