i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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