Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
