You made me cry and you don't even care
Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I wish my penis had an off switch
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
