i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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