I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
