o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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