i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
do herpes really smell.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
