ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
