I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
