can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
