We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
