When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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