he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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