Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
