Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
