I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
