Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize